Simon and Garfunkel once sang that the words of the prophet are written on subway walls. They were only partially correct because the gospel truth can be found in all forms of art, including cartoons. Take a Paul Rigby cartoon caption in Sydney’s Daily Telegraph, which was testament to the plight of English batters during the 1974-75 Ashes tour: “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if Thommo don’t get ya, Lillee must.” The line became so apocryphal that it became part of not just cricketing folklore but even military tactics when then DGMO Lieutenant General Rajiv Ghai used the phrase to indicate the robustness of India’s aerial defence system.And for defenders facing Dictator Mbappé and his generals, they must be feeling the same premonition that the English felt while facing down Dennis Lillee or Jeff Thomson: If Mbappé doesn’t get you, Olise will. And if Olise doesn’t, Dembélé might. And if you avoid Dembélé….You get the drift because this is a truly talented French attack that threatens to produce cricket scores whenever they click. Just ask Senegal and Iraq, who couldn’t live with Mbappé and Co. The most terrifying thing is that you get the idea that this lot still aren’t playing in top gear either, but are only showing flashes of the brilliance of their craft.Take Mbappé’s first goal, in which he took a first touch with his right before deftly placing the ball into the goal with his left, which we are told isn’t his stronger foot. The only things that appear capable of stopping France in this form are the forces of nature, as they did for 131 minutes before the match restarted and Mbappé found the net again, which seems to have set up a direct arms race with Lionel Messi. The latter has 18 in 28 matches. Mbappé has 16 in 16, a truly terrifying figure given that this is football’s biggest stage, where even the greatest players suddenly get clay feet.
Speaking of Messi, he is on course to win the only award that has eluded him in football, the Golden Boot. Messi made the case after scoring two goals against Austria in what was dubbed the Third Reich Derby and moving up to five goals, and in any normal World Cup year, five goals would be enough for the Golden Boot. Except this isn’t any normal World Cup, with Haaland and Mbappé hot on his heels. Perhaps it wouldn’t be a competition if Messi was better at penalties.Despite being a GOAT, the Argentine is rather bad at penalties. Now, all GOATs have their weak spots. Shaquille O’Neal sucked at free throws, averaging one in two. Virat Kohli never quite sorted out his tendency to paw awkwardly at deliveries outside the off stump. And Messi is a rather average penalty taker. In his international career, he has 25 goals from 31 penalties. Including club matches, he has 116 in 149, a mere 77%.In comparison, Cristiano Ronaldo, whose critics often call him Penaldo, has taken 211 penalties and still has a success rate of 83.8%, with 183 scored. Robert Lewandowski has the best record among elite players with a 91% record, while Harry Kane is at 89.2%. Even Ronaldo’s Portuguese teammate Bruno Fernandes has an 89.3% success rate from 75 penalties.Now, it should be noted that Messi has often fobbed off penalty duties to teammates and even “assisted” Luis Suárez, but it’s still a startlingly mediocre number for a GOAT of his stature.Speaking of GOATs, Erling Haaland was on hand to lead Norway to an entertaining 3-2 victory over Senegal, which will make the final match of the group a mouth-watering France vs Norway showdown. Haaland, whose blonde locks have often seen him dubbed a Targaryen, is roughly the size of one of the dragons from House of the Dragon, particularly when he is heckling goalkeepers. The biggest shock this time was when he actually got the ball and failed to score.Norway are back in the World Cup after 1998, when Haaland Sr played, and they are having the time of their lives, with everyone from politicians to fans doing the Viking row chant and giving a Disney-like sportswash to a tribe of plunderers, but then again, that has always been directly correlated to one’s skin colour.
The next match will see France take on Norway and the internet is already flooded with Batman vs Superman memes as two of the most talented players of their generation go head-to-head. Of course, the France attack has more prongs than Norway’s, which is heavily dependent on Haaland and Odegaard, but it still could be a match for the ages.Finally, in the last match of the day, Algeria denied Jordan a win with two quick goals, leading commentators to say: Kobe would never. But perhaps the main talking point was Luca Zidane’s performance in goal. The Algerian got a hand to Nizar Al-Rashdan’s strike but failed to keep it from going into the net. He made two shoddy mistakes in the first game against Argentina, which saw Messi score twice, but he might like to point the proverbial finger at the ball.
TALKING POINT: HAVE A BALL
This has been a rather high-scoring World Cup and one reason for that is the ball that FIFA is using for this tournament. FIFA told AP that the ball has been designed with deep seams to produce “optimal in-flight stability”, which sees it rocket towards goalkeepers and also gives added grip while striking and dribbling in wet or humid conditions.Austria coach Ralf Rangnick told AP: “This ball is as fast as a cannonball. I think today and the last couple of days, you saw if you kick the ball in the right position, it’s extremely difficult to save.”
The Adidas Trionda is unique in the sense that it has only four thermally bonded panels, the lowest for a men’s World Cup ball. Former England keeper Joe Hart noted that the ball is reaching goalkeepers faster than they expect. The four-panel design makes it aerodynamically different from other balls and can behave unpredictably when hit with spin.That, combined with more protection for attackers — think of how England defenders lumped Maradona before he scored the Hand of God — has meant that this World Cup has become a goalfest.
A look at Day 13: Redemption for a GOAT?
Day 13 sees Ronaldo’s Portugal take on Fabio Cannavaro’s Uzbekistan, and the talented Portuguese team will hope to get their campaign back on track after a damaging draw against DR Congo.Cannavaro, who won the World Cup with Italy in 2006 after Zidane’s headbutt and the Sarajevo curse kicked in, faces a team that some could argue is even more talented than the Golden Generation of Figo, with Bernardo Silva, Bruno Fernandes, Vitinha, Rafael Leão, Pedro Neto and João Neves in the ranks. All eyes will, of course, be on Ronaldo, who stuttered in the first game and whose gravitational star pull, with toxic fandom thrown in, threatens to derail the squad and its dynamics. Much has already been written about the social media storm over João Neves’ innocuous comments that were taken out of context.Irrespective of social media banter, questions have to be asked if Portugal would be better off without their veteran GOAT, whose sphere of influence has diminished with age. On the other hand, anyone who has followed his career knows that his fount of self-belief is infinite, and if anyone can jolt critics, it is Ronaldo. Just to put his longevity in context, 211, or 16.9%, of those turning up in this year’s World Cup were born after Ronaldo made his professional debut for Sporting Lisbon.
Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo reacts during the World Cup Group K soccer match between Portugal and Congo in Houston, Wednesday, June 17, 2026. (AP Photo/Ashley Landis)
Meanwhile, England will take on Ghana, and the English will find a familiar face in the opposite dugout, with Ghana being led by former Man Utd assistant coach and Alex Ferguson’s trusted right-hand man Carlos Queiroz. The match has an added edge for England’s all-time top goalscorer Harry Kane, who will turn up at “Boston Stadium” for the first time, but at a stadium that’s actually known as Gillette Stadium and is home to the New England Patriots and Tom Brady, the NFL’s greatest quarterback, who won six titles with the Patriots before picking up his seventh at the age of 43 with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.Kane, a self-christened Brady stan, has long spoken about becoming an NFL kicker once his playing days are over, but right now he remains committed to breaking England’s trophy hoodoo. The Three Lions haven’t won a major trophy since the 1966 World Cup, which they won on home soil, and while Kane has finally got his hands on silverware after swapping Spurs for Bayern Munich, he will hope to do a Brady and finally earn England that win. He is not alone though, and Tuchel has picked a talented English side to be with him, including the concept of rugby-style finishers. The term refers to introducing talented players at the death to ensure that the team doesn’t run out of stamina, the way Morgan Rogers, Marcus Rashford and Bukayo Saka were introduced in the last 15 minutes against Croatia.On the other hand, Ghana’s attacking ambition is led by Antoine Semenyo, who was born in London and plies his trade for Manchester City in the Premier League.Croatia face Panama in Luka Modric’s 200th game, and Modric might be both the problem and the solution for his team. The perennial overachievers at the World Cup only got independence in 1991 but have been runners-up once, in 2018, and third-placed twice, in 1998 and 2022. However, this year, the men in red and blue are looking lacklustre, though a win could help them qualify. And finally, Colombia face DR Congo, whose 5-3-2 system stopped Portugal and who will also have their “statue guy” back in the stands.All in all, by the end of Day 13, every team will have played two matches, giving a clearer picture of what to expect as we move towards the round of 32.
MEME WATCH
And the winner: Hydration Break featuring Ronaldinho
PS: Thanks to Twitter users @SarathySatire, @vish0890, @vinit_shenoy and @n_aficionado for their submissions. If you have any memes for submission, tag @nonsensicalnemo and use the hashtag #TOIOFFSIDE.
